조후혁의 블로그

….. what I can.

I am quite sure this dialogue was from the movie ‘Matrix’ – when Neo was asking for a ship so he can go to the ‘machine’s land’ and the captain Naomi said that Neo can take her ship ‘Logos’. At that time another captain said in despair “What the hell are you doing” and Naomi said “What I can”.

I have been making a lot of plans lately based on ‘hypothetical assumptions’ and needless to say those plans were constructed in my best interest. Unfortunately, my hypothetical assumptions had turned out to be so far from the reality – in other words, it was simply a fool’s hope. (For avoidance of doubt, I am not referring to a lottery ticket that I bought last week.)

I have spent about 5 minutes to carefully think about my irrational behavior – making plans on something of which likelihood of becoming a reality is less than 10% or nearly non-existent. Why have I become like this sadly? I know the answer – because I am afraid of facing the current reality which I must face and resolve. Having said that I rather classify myself as a ‘coward’ is who seems to put my head in sands and hopes storms to go away quickly. The truth is that life ain’t too kind to those who are evasive and irresponsible for their actions. Actually I must say that life in general does not give forbearance to those who take no actions.

What am I afraid of? What am I trying to run away from now? Does this have anything to do with me being old? ‘Being old means being wiser’ really means ‘Being old means learning new tricks to get away with things without facing negative consequences’? I am confused now. Perhaps my will has been compromised because every day I am getting overwhelmed by this ‘reality’ which is beyond my control and comprehension.

I remember this quote – “Even the smallest can change the course of our future” from the Lord of the Rings. Perhaps Frodo was able to change the destiny of Middle Earth but he was not able to heal himself (He got stabbed by the Witch King at the Weathertop I think). Is it my responsibility to carry a scar of my own which can be never healed but continue to lead people to succeed? Hang on a second. I do not even consider myself ‘successful’ in any way then how could I possibly lead people to succeed?

Have I been lying to myself? Making plans with hypothetical assumptions to give a hope to people around me, while I am unsure of how to make these plans actually happen… hmmm… dreaming about better and bigger things in near future should be the best remedy for those ‘cowards’ who are incapable of facing/resolving present problems? It seems that I am actually in the group of those ‘cowards’ and I am not sure how long I have been in the group.

어제 아버지 학교 코스를 마쳤다. 두란노 선교회에서 주최하는 만큼 기독교적 중심적이고 색채가 강했다. 배운것도 많았고 깨우친것도 많았다. 동시에 내 눈엔 운영상의 많은 결점을 보게 되었다. 한가지씩 열거해 보겠다.

1)      시작전에 구호를 외친다. 꼭 만세 삼창하는 것같다. 군대도 아닌데 이런 행위로 단합심과 단결을 유도하려는 것인가? 한국인의 정서에 맞을지 모르나 여긴 시드니이다. 이민 1세만으로 구성된 학교가 아니라 1.5세 (나를 포함)도 있고, 비종교인도 있다. 이런 다른 교육환경과 문화배경을 가진 사람이 거부감 없이 받아드릴수 있도록 구성이 되어야 하는데…. 흐음… 한가지 예를 들어 보면 여기서 태어난 남자는 첫날 수업에 참석하고 두번째 참석하지 않았다. 그는 호주에서 태어 났고 고전적인 한국의 정서를 가지고 있지 않았다. 결국 한국 스타일로 호주에서 운영하는 바람에 한명의 학생을 잃었다.

2)      아버지 학교에 참석하는 모든 사람들은 다 아버지로써 실격이고 모든것을 이제까지 잘못했다고 스스로를 나쁜 아버지로 혹은 나쁜 남편으로 생각하게 만든다. 이런 과정중에서 아버지들은 지나친에 자책감에 빠질수 있으며 그 결과는 크게 두 종류로 구분 될수 있다. 하나는 ‘내가 잘못한 점을 알았으니 각성하고 앞으로 더 잘하자’라는 타입이 있고 (i.e. rationalist 혹은 realist), 다른 하나는 ‘내가 아무리 열심히 해도 이것밖에 않되는데 더 이상 열심히 해서 뭐하냐’ (i.e. pessimistic romantist)이다.

3)      아버지 학교에 참석하는 모든 사람들은 다 아버지로써 실격이라는 전재하에 모든것이 진행 되니 그 누구도 내가 잘하고 있는 것을 말하고 싶어하지 않는다. 왜냐하면 그런 과정중에서 난 이상하게도 ‘비정상적인 아버지’로 보일까 두려워 하는 것이다. 한국 아버지들은 무뚝뚝하고, 권위적이고, 가부장적이고, 대화가 없는 차겁고 멀게만 느껴진다는 고정 관념에 속하지 않고 아버지로써 남편으로써의 역활을 잘 수행해 나가는 아버지들이 이상한 거부감을 가지게 된다.

아마도 기독교적 관점에서 이 코스를 만든 것으로 알며 기독교 대상으로 만든것로 안다. 무신론자이고 서양 철학을 제대로 이해한 자라면 이 코스에서 얻는 것보다 잃어 버리는 것이 더 많을것 같다. 그냥 나의 단순하고 짧은 생각인지 모른다. 아니면 어제 자정 넘게 집에 들어와서 피곤해서 그런지도 모르겠다.

I have just finished reading BRW 2nd week of September 2010 issue. (As you can see I am not quite up to date with my BRW readings)

Anyway, I have found at least 5 pages (double-sided) about promoting MBA and some case studies/stories about recent MBA graduates.

The stories were very typical – ‘I got promoted right after completing my MBA…. I got a significant pay increase….etc’. There was one particular story which got my attention – ‘Working + studying + having a family is the most difficult thing that I have ever done’.I frowned unquestionably and said to myself ‘What you just said is what an average person can do and you are saying that it is the most difficut thing in your life? I cannot believe this. Are you sure a MBA graduate?’

I have a family – two children (probably increase to 3 next week) and one wife (not planning to have any more of course). I have 4 mortages for my 4 investment properties in Australia. I finished my MBA degree at MGSM in March 2010 and it took me 4 years as I was studying part-time. I didn’t fail any and managed to graduate on time with at least credit average.

Group work was challenging – not because it was hard but I had to put up with a large number of pretenious + talking shit + irresponsible students who never do what we agreed to do on time and in full.

Lecture was challening – not because it was hard but it was boring and I had to try really hard to keep myself awake for 4 hours. It was also hard because I did keep my mouth shut. Apparently, lecturers do not like those who express opposite views of theirs. (Who said ‘open to any suggestions’?)

Balancing work-life was hard – not because I did not have much time but somehow managed to organize my time more effectively so I eventually ended up doing more work at work and spending more time with family. Why? I have not lost my job but promoted to CFO back in April 2009 and I have been married over 8 years without being divorced.

Therefore why people claim that working + studying MBA + family commitment is all too hard? Even an ordinary person with an average intelligence can manage moderately. Or is it a mere marketing tactic to emphaise ‘MBA degree is so hard to complete’?

I can say this now because I’ve done my MBA degree – anyone can do this. MBA is not some sort of pass that allows you to get any job you want. Actually, while anyone can do MBA but it is not in fact for everyone. My personal view is that I have seen many students who do not meet minimum criteria of being classified as a ‘normal’ person because most of them are pretentious -pretend to be much greater and better + superior than anyone. If you really are, why would you need a MBA degree? Perhaps it is an accessory for those insecure pretentious morons? I am glad that I am not one of them.