….. what I can.

I am quite sure this dialogue was from the movie ‘Matrix’ – when Neo was asking for a ship so he can go to the ‘machine’s land’ and the captain Naomi said that Neo can take her ship ‘Logos’. At that time another captain said in despair “What the hell are you doing” and Naomi said “What I can”.

I have been making a lot of plans lately based on ‘hypothetical assumptions’ and needless to say those plans were constructed in my best interest. Unfortunately, my hypothetical assumptions had turned out to be so far from the reality – in other words, it was simply a fool’s hope. (For avoidance of doubt, I am not referring to a lottery ticket that I bought last week.)

I have spent about 5 minutes to carefully think about my irrational behavior – making plans on something of which likelihood of becoming a reality is less than 10% or nearly non-existent. Why have I become like this sadly? I know the answer – because I am afraid of facing the current reality which I must face and resolve. Having said that I rather classify myself as a ‘coward’ is who seems to put my head in sands and hopes storms to go away quickly. The truth is that life ain’t too kind to those who are evasive and irresponsible for their actions. Actually I must say that life in general does not give forbearance to those who take no actions.

What am I afraid of? What am I trying to run away from now? Does this have anything to do with me being old? ‘Being old means being wiser’ really means ‘Being old means learning new tricks to get away with things without facing negative consequences’? I am confused now. Perhaps my will has been compromised because every day I am getting overwhelmed by this ‘reality’ which is beyond my control and comprehension.

I remember this quote – “Even the smallest can change the course of our future” from the Lord of the Rings. Perhaps Frodo was able to change the destiny of Middle Earth but he was not able to heal himself (He got stabbed by the Witch King at the Weathertop I think). Is it my responsibility to carry a scar of my own which can be never healed but continue to lead people to succeed? Hang on a second. I do not even consider myself ‘successful’ in any way then how could I possibly lead people to succeed?

Have I been lying to myself? Making plans with hypothetical assumptions to give a hope to people around me, while I am unsure of how to make these plans actually happen… hmmm… dreaming about better and bigger things in near future should be the best remedy for those ‘cowards’ who are incapable of facing/resolving present problems? It seems that I am actually in the group of those ‘cowards’ and I am not sure how long I have been in the group.