I should stop pretending the one who I am really not….
I do not recall exactly when but there was this strange moment when I thought I should be the one who meets all criteria as being a good Christian. It was true that I was somewhat motivated and inspired by this principle and I was willing to do anything to be close to this ‘idealistic’ image. However, fortunately, I utterly failed, perhaps in my best interest. Why? Because I was fooling myself. Perhaps I was lying to myself to be the one who I cannot be.
This is what I used to believe – I create myself to be the one whom I would like to be. In other words, I learn and adapt to improve myself so I can get close to this ‘perfect’ image of myself. While it may be most likely true that there is no such level of ‘perfection’ but having the mind of a ‘perfectionist’ that simply differentiates myself from others completely. I am not going to dispute the fact that sometimes ‘being differentiated’ can be also coming to me as ‘being isolated’. Anyway, I am not probably making much sense here because having two glasses of crap beer that I would not normally drink.
This is the substance of my story – I really wanted to the one whose image aligns with the expectation of the one whom I respect. I must say my effort was in vein and the outcome is fruitless because the motive of aligning my image with his expectation was simply illogical. Why would I want to live my life in accordance of his expectation? Because… maybe I was fool to believe that I should what he says. Why did I follow him? There must be something but the respect isn’t one way street but both ways – given and taken. Perhaps I have something bitter with him – Sometimes I do not need a criticism but I need an encouragement. I have no problem of people disagreeing with me and my principle. However, I cannot associate with the one who questions my motive and underlying principle. In other words, he focuses on technicality rather than substance of my speech. Isn’t it true that an elbow can only bend inwards, not outwards? Where did this proverb come from?
Anyway, I have changed my mind. I am going to go back. Where? Let’s cut the Star Wars crap here. There is no dark side or light side. I am going to keep this very simple from now on. I am simply who I am and I will become who I like to become. I will show what I have without any modification or manipulation whatsoever. I am going to associate with those who value me the most and those I respect the most because they are substantially better than me and they have something that I do not at the moment but make me desire to have what they have.
Life is short. I am not here to be judged by him. From the moment you lost my respect, your name straight goes on my shit list. Just wait and see what I am going to do. I will prove that I am far better than what you think and there will be the time when you will fear me and you will suffer me. You just hope that I am in a good mood on that day because I won’t be that merciful at all.
Let’s go back to where I am. No need to change or improve anything. What can I possibly improve or change anything if I am already perfect enough, at least in my eyes…